JEWELUCHI
“I am in love with a woman I can never have. The point, I’m in love with her and it's driving me crazy. I’m not in control. I have to stay together to protect her and she wants me to be the better man, which means I cannot be who I am.”
With love, there is no easy choice. It is confounded by the equal arguments on both waging sides — to love or not to love. Whichever choice we make, there are valid reasons supporting as there are enough reasons opposing. It is hard to tell which choice is right. We just try and hope and act and wish. It is worse when it is unrequited or a love which is failing or failed. Memories mess up your mind. You don’t even know what to make of it. Do you wish it away or do you hold on to it for in it lie the best moments of your life? We do not wish to erase it; we just wish we can get a shot at sunrise again and maybe our luck will be better. For like all miracles, we are unworthy and even I do not deserve cupid’s graces.
I am impossible to hate. For how long do you intend to delude yourself with this denial? The other day Anon sent you flowers that scented like rose water with a box of doughnuts dipped in chocolate just like you like it. I watched you pick the jelly ball on the top of each doughnut. You loved it so much you did not bother to find out who sent them. I hope you read this and when you do, I hope you don’t nauseate on the realization that I sent them.
I hope you realized I am not the devil. I am just human with flaws you refused to forgive. I know you thought I liked Ginika but no, she was no more than my fantasy and I could tell the difference between fantasy and reality. I overheard your chat with Daluchi and it hurts to know I am your validation to the saying men are scum. Maybe I should have apologized when you saw those texts. I did not apologize because I thought apology meant admittance of fault and guilt. Those texts you saw were simply me in the moment of predilection. They meant nothing, Jeweluchi. Perhaps, if you were not so uptight then maybe we could have that kind of raunchy conversation and I wouldn’t have to satisfy the fantasy with Ginika.
In many ways we were magical but my sexual vibes dwarfed yours just as your piousness dwarfed my immoralities yet I made slacks for us, Jewel. I agreed to us not having sex until you were ready and I could swear before my forefathers, I had it with no one. Forgive me for satisfying the urge through the raunchy conversation with Ginika and if it does matter, I still love you.
I miss you a lot, more than I admit. It has been how many months now and it still feels just like day one. You are still the last thing I think of before sleeping and still the first when I wake. This love thing wears me out most times. It is easier with just you. These days I spend so much on buying stuff I do not need. The pleasure I got from you I have now invested in wasteful spending. Nothing feels the same anymore, Jewel. I miss your faith — I have come to realize you were the substance to my belief. How you made invalid dreams so lofty and true. I know the world thinks I have impacted more to you but if our stories are written in truth then you have been the reason I have become more ambitious, more trusting and more loving. Did I tell you I have been dreaming of you so much that they feel like nightmares now?
Jewel, I know I hurt you but I am still the sun that shines on your day. I am still the cold of the night that warms you to sleep. Have you not seen how you have become enveloped with sadness? You find no explanation for it because you have refused to admit that I was your happiness just as you were mine. I am just the better of both of us when it has to do with pretending to be okay. Jewel, you loved me with so much caution. You loved me as though you were certain I would take one wrong foot and when I did, you faulted everything. Even the truth of our story. Now look at us; going on miserable dates with people who will never make us feel the way we made each other feel. The pretence we now live in. We had love at its peak and you know this is true. Another truth is that if it isn’t you and I, we will always be settling for less and it scares me. Some days I pray that less is more if we never come back but, on most days, I pray that you stop this charade of hate and we take off from where we stopped.
Yes, that brief moment of kiss. Damn it! Jewel. You ruined that moment. You did not have to check my phone. I never checked yours. I trusted you so much that even if I saw such text, I would gloss over it. It so sad how we anticipate pain and yet we are never ready for it. I was not a Priest, Jewel. You knew that. My past was obvious to you and yet you let it frighten you. You cannot love me without my baggage. I don’t mean to make excuses for my undoing but Jewel, this is it, this is me, this is us. On my worse days, I am a flirt, on my doubtful days, I try to reassure my ego that I still give the chills and on my best days, I am devoted to loving you. When I am with you I am simply having my best days. I am far from perfection. I am just the dark guy with itchy squinting eyes and 6 packs buried 6 feet under human flesh. I am not even a 6 footer and I just have enough money for a day. Nothing extra. I am only different from everyone else in the way I talk, write and love and I do these things with so much passion.
Jewel, I am not another bad decision you made. I will defend myself if I must. I am far from your sloppy ex who stared more at his shoes than he did at your face or the other guy, who tried to categorize you and make you fit for purpose as though you were some merchantable goods. With me, you knew you had the sky to fly. I only wanted to be the wind beneath your wings as you fly. You remember the fantasies I once shared with you. The one where I have always imagined a day where you will be giving a speech in front of a cheering audience and I will be the prompter for the ovation. I sink into helpless blushes whenever I say these things because you, Jewel are capable of causing such moment and I live for it.
I know you think my words are deceptive and manipulative but I can’t have you make my gift a curse. I just need you to trust that when you fall, I will always be there to catch you. I am tired of loving you anonymously. So tell me, do you still want the flowers and the box of doughnuts? Can I attach a note that says “You come before second place” and put my signature on it?
You remember how you said you wanted a love that consumes you — passion, adventure and little danger. This is it, Jewel.
Sorry I had to write about us on medium. You wouldn’t take my calls, you wouldn’t reply to my text, you wouldn’t unblock me on WhatsApp. So I hope you read this.
“What difference does it make? Because in the end, when you lose somebody every candle, every prayer is not going to make up for the fact that the only thing you have left is a hole in your life where that somebody who you care about used to be”
Call me, Jeweluchi.
